“Will this pass?” is probably the most asked question, and the worst framed. Happy couples are not the ones who never argue: they are the ones who repair afterwards. What separates a bad patch from a problem that has taken hold is therefore not how loud the rows are, but four or five quieter things.
This questionnaire goes through them. It delivers no verdict and replaces no one: it gives you back a slightly sharper description of what you are living, with the pages that match.
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John Gottman observed thousands of couples in a laboratory, filming their arguments. His best-known result fits in a sentence: how often you argue predicts nothing, how you argue predicts a great deal. He describes four damaging behaviours.
| Behaviour | What it looks like | What replaces it |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | “You never think about…” — a complaint aimed at the person rather than the act | Describe the situation and the need, not the character |
| Contempt | Eye-rolling, sarcasm, the tone that belittles. The worst of the four | Say out loud what you still appreciate |
| Defensiveness | Answering every grievance with a counter-grievance | Accept some part, however small, of what is being said |
| Stonewalling | Shutting down, leaving the room, no longer answering | Ask for a break and say when you are coming back |
The fourth deserves a caveat: withdrawing from an argument that is escalating is physiologically understandable, and an announced pause beats an escalation. What does the damage is withdrawal with no return.
A questionnaire answered alone gives half the story. If your partner fills it in separately, compare the answers: it is often the gap between the two that teaches you something, more than the result itself.
And if you are going through depression, grief or exhaustion, the relationship always looks worse than it is. It is worth treating one before concluding on the other.
Page checked in September 2026. The instruments cited can change: if in doubt, confirm with the official source given.
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