How many couples have an age gap
Fewer than people think, and rarely a large one. In France, in 2012, among couples made up of a man and a woman who live together, the man was on average two and a half years older than his partner. In 56% of couples he was the older one, in 30% the two were within a year of each other, and in 14% the woman was older (Insee, 2016). Couples with an older woman were more common among those formed recently than among those formed in the 1960s: Insee’s study is in fact titled after the rise in couples where the man is the younger partner. The average gap between partners went from 3.4 years for couples formed in the 1960s to 4.4 years for those formed in the 2000s. The gap is wider in same-sex couples: about five years between two women and nearly eight years between two men.
In the United States the trend runs the other way: husbands and wives were on average just 2.2 years apart in 2022, compared with 2.4 years in 2000 and 4.9 years in 1880, and about half of married couples are roughly the same age (Pew Research Center, 2024). Large gaps remain the exception, and they are more common in second marriages: 56% of remarried men have a wife at least three years younger, compared with 35% of men marrying for the first time.
Why age gaps widen with age
The gap depends a great deal on when people form a couple. A European study of nearly 36,000 people, who described how old they were when they got together, shows this clearly. A man who starts a relationship at 25 most often has a partner about three years younger; at 50, a new partner is on average eight years younger than he is. For women it is the other way round: at 25, their partner is on average three years older, then the gap narrows and almost disappears after 60 (Gottfried et al., 2024). The authors see both long-standing preferences and the effect of circumstances: who is still single, at what age, and what people expect from a relationship at each stage of life.
Preferences are not the same for men and women either. Asked what age they would accept in a partner, women aged 20 to 60 prefer someone of their own age, whatever their own age and the kind of relationship they have in mind. Men, for their part, whatever their own age, imagine a partner of childbearing age for a fling or a fantasy and, for a lasting relationship, a partner who is younger than they are (Buunk et al., 2001).
The ‘half your age plus seven’ rule
It is repeated everywhere: you should not date anyone younger than half your age plus seven years (22 for a 30-year-old, 32 for a 50-year-old). It is a saying, not a research finding: nobody has shown that couples who follow it last longer than others. It does have at least one merit, which is to remind us that a ten-year gap does not weigh the same at 20 as at 50. Between 18 and 28, two people do not live the same life; between 48 and 58, they often do.
What studies say about how long couples last and how happy they are
A link with divorce, hard to put a figure on. A US study of more than 3,000 people who were or had been married, focused mainly on the cost of weddings, also looked at the age gap between spouses (Francis-Tan and Mialon, 2015). It is often cited to say that the bigger the gap, the higher the risk of divorce, with precise percentages attached. That is not what it allows us to claim: it measures the respondent’s age minus the spouse’s, and its results differ across models and subgroups. So no general rule can be drawn from it that every larger age gap would raise the risk of divorce. Couples with a large gap also differ in other ways (remarriage, background, life history) that may explain some of the break-ups.
An early advantage that fades. By following thousands of Australian couples over several years, two economists found that men are at first more satisfied with a younger wife, and women with a younger husband. But satisfaction falls faster in couples of different ages than in couples of the same age, to the point where the early advantage disappears after six to ten years of marriage. These couples also cope less well with a financial blow, such as losing a job (Lee and McKinnish, 2018). One explanation put forward by the authors: when partners are different ages, they less often share the same priorities when making decisions together.
When the woman is older. Among women in relationships with men, those with a younger partner said they were the most satisfied and the most committed, ahead of women with a partner of the same age and those whose partner was older (Lehmiller and Agnew, 2008). The study covers only women in relationships with men: it is a clue, not a rule.
Other people’s opinions matter. The same researchers showed that the more a couple feels disapproved of by those around them, the less committed they become (Lehmiller and Agnew, 2006). For a couple with a large age gap, the disapproval of family and friends can therefore also weigh on the relationship.
Health, retirement and widowhood: thinking ahead
A study of nearly two million Danish couples compared mortality by age gap. Having a younger wife goes hand in hand with a longer life for men; for women it is the opposite: an older husband, and even more so a younger husband, goes with higher mortality. A woman whose husband is seven to nine years younger than she is has a 20% higher risk of death than a woman married to a man her own age. The author acknowledges that the reasons for these differences are still poorly understood (Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research, 2010).
More practically, the age gap often decides who will care for the other, and how long one of them will live alone. In the United States, the share of widows among women aged 65 and over fell from 45% in 2000 to 30% according to an analysis published in 2024; over the same period, husbands who were much older than their wives became less common (Pew Research Center, 2024). Staggered retirement, health, protection for the surviving partner: these are best prepared together and early (see Growing old together and Money and couples).
Questions to ask each other
- Children. Do you want them, and when? The clock is not the same for both of you, and the older partner may be an older parent than average (see Becoming parents).
- Pace of life. Studies, career, going out, wanting to travel or to settle down: the gap matters less than the mismatch in plans.
- Money and power. When one partner has much more experience, income or wealth, the balance needs attention. A relationship in which one person decides everything or controls the other is not a question of age (see Domestic abuse).
- Family and friends. How do the people around you react, and how do you talk about it together?
- The future. Retirement, health, who looks after whom: talking about it is not morbid, it is planning ahead.
Between an adult and a minor, the question is no longer just about the couple: the law sets limits, which vary from one country to another (see Consent and age of consent).
Frequently asked questions
What age gap is ideal in a relationship?
None. On average, satisfaction falls faster over the years in couples of different ages than in couples of the same age, but these are averages: couples with a large gap can last a lifetime. What matters is that your plans (children, work, retirement) point in the same direction.
Is a ten-year age gap too much?
It all depends on age. At 20 and 30 the difference in life experience is big; at 45 and 55 it is much smaller. Studies mostly observe satisfaction falling faster when the gap is large, without showing that the gap itself is the cause.
Can a relationship where the woman is older last?
Yes. In France, they were more common among couples formed recently than among older ones, and in one study women who were older than their partner said they were the most satisfied and the most committed. They do, however, more often face the disapproval of others, which weighs on every couple seen as ‘unconventional’.
How do you respond to comments from family and friends?
It is better to talk it over together first, to find out what hurts each of you, then to reply calmly and as a couple to the people who matter. Lasting disapproval from family puts a strain on a relationship: do not let it settle in unspoken.