What you do together
The pub again, but with a difference: the session — informal traditional music played by whoever turns up — is a living form, not a performance for visitors. Walks, sea swimming whatever the temperature, matches of hurling and Gaelic football, and long conversations fill the rest.
Meeting the family
It tends to happen earlier and more easily than in Britain, and families are often large and closely connected. Expect to meet a lot of people quickly, to be fed considerably, and to be asked direct questions delivered with humour.
- Bring something, and expect your offer to help to be refused twice before being accepted.
- Slagging — affectionate mockery — is the register of intimacy. Being teased means you are in; taking offence closes the door.
- Silence is not comfortable here. Conversation is expected to flow, and the person who says little is thought to be unhappy rather than reserved.
- Be careful and curious, not glib, about history. It is present and personal, and handled seriously when handled well.
What actually weighs on the couple
Two things. The three-month notice, which forces the calendar and often a second trip. And the housing market: rents in Dublin are among the highest in Europe and supply is short, which affects both where you can live and, in some immigration routes, whether the application succeeds.
The money question, settled once
It is the subject that wears down most binational couples, and it wears them down far less when it is raised early.
- Decide in advance what you do and do not do, say it plainly, and hold to it. A constant rule is infinitely better than irregular generosity, which creates expectation on one side and resentment on the other.
- Separate one-off help from recurring help. The second is a budget line; it is discussed together, with an amount and a duration.
- Never send money through a third party to reach the family: it creates obligations you do not control.
- What you give one person, everyone knows. In an extended family there is no discreet transfer.
Meeting the family
It is not one more step, it is the step. Come with something — a modest, shareable gift beats an expensive present given to one person. Greet the elders first, accept what you are offered, and learn three sentences in the language: the effect is out of all proportion to the effort.